016.

So I think I've identified my Big Goal in Life and forgot that it's probably going to take baby steps to get there. There's one person I know who's kind of been an inspiration, even though our paths are very different. He's my friend Brian and he graduated last May with a major in Business (I believe, I'm not sure of the specifics.) Anyway, he got a job pretty quickly after graduation, lived at home for a few months, then got his own studio apartment back in the city. After visiting him and seeing his place and hearing about his job and his future goals it made me re-evaluate where I should be heading.

I have this big idea in my head that I'm going to graduate and find some awesome residency, internship, or job in my dream city Seattle. That's probably not going to happen. I was sitting in my room earlier and I realized how I liked Milwaukee and that maybe I'm not ready to leave it in seven months. Not right away. I was searching internships for photography in the area and came across spring and summer ones. I can start small in the city I'm in (or alternatively move back home to Madison, live with my parents for a while to save up money, and work there.)

I mostly need to start small because my resume is lacking. I need a lot more experience, personally and professionally. A graduate student teaches my senior seminar class and she suggested that we make 1 year, 5 year, and 10 year goal lists. And I already do this, but it's all in my head.

1 Year Goals (Nov 2010-Nov 2011)
-Apply for UWM journalism internship
-Apply to UWM's newspaper The Post
-Apply for spring internships in Milwaukee
-Apply for summer internships in Milwaukee/Madison
-Apply for summer residencies where ever
-Apply for galleries & exhibitions for emerging artists
-Travel to Seattle in the summer for a week vacation
-A 10-15 hour paid internship next semester would be ideal

5 Year Goals (2011-2015, I'll be 26))
-Have internship, gallery, and exhibition experience
-Possible grad school graduate within the 5 years
-Traveled to more than 5 cities I've never seen
-Lived on my own
-Have my own cat (hahaha I'm sorry, I had to put this.)

10 Year Goals
-I don't think I'm ready for this one. I'll be 33.

So, here we go.

015.

I guess I don't know what to call this. Maybe a self-realization? It's been passing in and out of my mind the past couple weeks. I've noticed that the most important thing is to live your life for yourself. This might seem like an obvious thing but to be honest I've been living my life 80% for other and 20% for me. At least in the past. But recently, since my last year of undergraduate began, I've been doing things for myself. Maybe not 100%, but definitely more than 20%.

My parents got married when they were 21. I'm 22 and still working on graduating. My mom always says, "Do what you want. Don't tie yourself down to others." I have to tell myself to live for myself right now. I see myself with other people and how I act and how I treat them. And I feel like I'm not treating others my best because I'm not happy with my own life.

I could never imagine being married right now... or even when I'm 30 to be honest. I don't know if this is selfish. But I feel like I need to work my absolute hardest in getting to where I want to be. Because I know when I get to the point of success, I'll be happy. And when you are completely happy with yourself, then you are just happy around everyone and you treat everyone the way they should be treated. So I want to be successful. I want to be happy. And then I want to make those who I already know happy. And then I want to meet new people and make them happy. And I want to get married... or not even married really, I'd just be happy with being someone for a long time, and I'd want them to be happy too. You know, just content. And ready to do things. See the world. Go places. Do things. Happily. Just doing what you love. I don't even need to makes loads of money. It's not about that. It's about doing things you love, and being able to pay your bills with that. I don't need to be rich, I just need to know that I'm guaranteed to support myself the right way.

I need to find more people who will actually read this. Haha... I just hope SOMEONE is listening :) It'd be cool to have someone to relate to. Also, I've had A LOT of wine today. So this is most likely drunk blabble. But who doesn't do that? No one. Good night. Sorry if there are grammatical errors or spelling errors. I would slap my own wrist if I was coherent.

Good night.

014.

A lot of things are not the best right now. But I find myself still feeling happy, confident, strong, positive. It's easy to feel this way when I realize how negative something affects my life. It makes it easier to let it go. The future is so bright, as cliche as that is. I have no clear perception of where I will be soon but I know if I keep pushing myself, it's going to be amazing. I know that I'm a good person; I guess some things just bring the worst out of me. And I have to let those things go.

This weekend, or tonight rather, I'm heading home to Madison to see my family. Saturday we're spending the day in an amazing little town in Wisconsin called Mazomanie. We visit two pumpkin patches and stop at Ski Hi which is an apple orchard. The scenery is breathtaking, especially during this time of year. It's the one thing every year I look forward to the most because it's an escape to solitude. I'm able to take pictures. I think if I ever moved to a small town it would be there, or Door County. The only reason I never would though, at least not now, is because I need to further my career in a bigger city.

Right now I'm mostly struggling with my 4 x 5 class. Large format is a very difficult process. But I'm learning through lots of trial and error. I'll be taking 12 pictures this weekend. And I've got plenty of ideas for my senior thesis, especially because of the location I'll be in. I'm really really excited to shoot and edit all weekend. I get to go home at 9:30 tonight.... ah so far away!

A girl in my journalism class today said something like: We may be given something amazing once, then expect it to happen again, and it doesn't. We need that in our lives. We need to fail to become a better artist. I loved that. I've seen that my downfalls have also led to making better art. I find that I'd rather be dealing with difficulties because it makes me appreciate the good parts of my life more. And my art is stronger. And I work harder. I have motivation.

We all fall in love. Sometimes we lose that person who we really, deeply love but we realize it's ourselves we lost for a bit. It's easy to get yourself back. It really is.

010.

It's October! I'm sitting in the photo lab doing my labby shift and working on my journalism homework. It was a long weekend filled with so many exciting things. I went out Thursday night with some friends.



Friday night I saw Gold Motel. Greta, the lead singer, is in my favorite band The Hush Sound. It was a great show. I danced the entire time and met the band afterwards. This was my 3rd or 4th time 'meeting' Greta.



Saturday was my relaxing day. I slept in. I pretty much just sat in my room all day. My room smelt like pumpkin spice and my mom was making chili and I had pumpkin ale. These kinds of things make me happy. So yeah, it was a cozy weekend at home. I went to a friend's party later on then came home and passed out. I'm really looking forward to the next week, minus all the homework I have to do. I'll be going to Fright Fest at Six Flags Great America on Saturday. I think the only reason it will be good when October is over is that I won't be taking every weekend off from work. I don't want this month to end though.

I've also been developing a series of photos. It's a work in progress. Hopefully getting out to shoot more.


You can see more on my Flickr.